Sept 1, 2021
And we’re back!!
There’s something about blogging that always calls me back. It’s the therapeutic release that I can share with you all. I’ve been wanting to share little tidbits of reflections and thoughts but haven’t been quite ready to record on the podcast. Therefore a good baby step is here on my blog.
Something I’ve been experiencing is shedding old versions of myself as I become aware of them. As gross as it may sound, it’s like a crab molting. Once they shed their outer shell they’ve outgrown, they become the most vulnerable because their squishy self is revealed. It can sound terrifying to let your naked and vulnerable self out into the world unprotected. However there’s a very liberating feeling that comes with this release.
I used to think of healing and growth as this magical transformation from caterpillar to butterfly (which sometimes it can definitely feel that way). However, I’m learning that since healing + growth isn’t linear, I’ve often felt the most triggered while on this journey. It’s like the more I felt like I SHOULD be over this or NOT let certain things bother me anymore, the more they do. But when I gather courage to lean into that trigger with curiosity vs judgement, I learn so much about why I am the way that I am.
This leaves so much room for compassion and grace to come in for myself. I’m like ohhh so when I say super hurtful things and get really defensive, it’s because I felt I had to do that growing up in a household full of chaos and hostility. That was my child’s brain learning how to survive. And without doing any inner work or knowing anything about mental health until my 30’s, that pattern has remained constant. So much so that I’ve become unaware of it when I do it. I almost numb out. And later on regret or feel bad that it went down that way.
But now I’ve learned and continue to practice new tools to handle things differently. A more aligned way of how Christine now would like to be and exist in this world.
And that is the thought of today <3