Nov 4, 2021
The thing about social media is that I realized it triggers a deep old insecurity of mine. I constantly feel like I’m failing at it. Getting one big F in life. Because there are numbers and metrics, it makes me feel like I’m never pulling whatever results I should be pulling (especially compared to others).
Everything is about value. Are you bringing in value? Are you adding value? Which is easily translated to are you valuable? This is especially true with collaborations or paid campaigns when another brand is looking at how my posts perform. Brings me back to school and feeling like my teachers are grading my test results. And every time I underperform, it’s like receiving that fat C- or B+ in big red writing. As an Asian, anything less than A+ has been deeply engrained as basically an F. So the obvious feelings you feel is shame and sometimes embarrassment.
I’ve mentioned in past posts that I’ve grown up feeling like I’m always playing catch up yet never actually “caught up” to everyone else. Therefore I never felt happy or satisfied. The mentality was and sometimes still is, you need to be better. These are the areas you need to improve on and immediately. Or else… judgement. Or else… you’ll confirm you’re a disappointment. Scarcity mindset takes over. I’ll lose ____ (insert blank).
Yes, taking a break from IG has helped in releasing that. As well as reparenting myself to just have fun with whatever I’m choosing to do. If I’m choosing to post, then how is this fun for me? If I agree to work with a brand, will I have fun with the project? And just slowly learning to release the outcome. If they choose not work with me again because I didn’t hit numbers, then it wasn’t meant to be. Vs. brands who continue to connect with the quality and content of my posts, they are the ones I really want to continue building this relationship.
Old triggers. Creating awareness. That’s an old version of me.
I know I am not my numbers. And social media is for fun or just a tool.
Doesn’t have to be bigger than that, especially as I choose to not give it that power to define me and my self worth.
And that’s the thought of today.