Nov 7, 2021
Continued from my last post, a big question that has come up during this journey has been what is my worth rooted in?
Social media, work, friends, family… it’s all a projection of how I really feel about myself. Which is why I used to go into any situation almost apologizing for my existence. Like I had to prove and create instant value for myself to be there. Which says a whole lot about how I thought of myself.
Tracing back to where we first formulated how we saw ourselves in the world, I learned it’s from our caregivers (most often times our parents). How they treated us, made us feel in safe and comforted, how they stopped to listen to us or dismissed us, what they would say when we “made a mistake,” how they disciplined us or even how we observed their own behaviors around us. That’s how we started to form the world around us and what we would come to conclude about ourselves in this safe or unsafe world.
My conclusion was that my worth and how I would receive love from my parents (and eventually everyone else) would be based on productivity and the outcome of my productivity. So I always had to be performing, earning, and proving myself. There was no catch all of just because you are you, we will always love and support you. No no, that had to be earned each time.
Oh you passed the violin test? Ok good. Now start practicing for the next one. Oh you got a B? How stupid are you? So and so gets A+ no problem. What a disappointing and lazy daughter. Now yes, I know their intentions were rooted from a good place of wanting me to have the best chance of success in the future but most times, their execution of that intention created deep scars I’m still healing from.
Sounds familiar no? Oh you got a promotion at work based on how hard you’ve been working and at the cost of your own physical and mental health? Cool. Now work even harder with your additional workload from that promotion. Oh you don’t have as many sales or followers or likes on social media compared to so and so? Ya you suck and no one cares about you really.
That makes sense doesn’t it? That we would take those many many instances and start making some really inaccurate conclusions about ourselves that only gets carried over through adulthood. But that was never the truth. We have been living our entire lives with these inner critics that we’ve absorbed from external voices that were never our own.
But with self awareness and mental health, we get the chance to rewrite those narratives and consciously choose to base our actions on a different source of motivation. One that doesn’t require us to tear ourselves down and that no matter what we do, we never can feel truly happy. That we still look to others and outside sources for permission to feel happy.. for a split second and then our inner voices tell us, cool. Now prove yourself again.
You were born perfect, just the way you were. That IS the truth. No one looks at a baby and goes UGH, what an imperfect child. Prove yourself to me. Well people who are like, it’s like… dood who hurt you?
The world and society are the imperfect ones. We’re all allowed to learn, grow, and just experience life as human beings. Human beings who have never done any of this thing we called life. We live and we learn. Now you can add in “enjoy” to the mix. We aren’t robots who are programmed for optimal performance all the time and feel nothing in this world.
You are worthy just as you are. Always.
And that’s the thought of today.